I have failed you miserably. Sometimes I take several photos all at once, and then sometimes not for days. And with the job craziness, plus figuring out another new commute, plus that whole going to the gym thing, I barely have time to make more than PB&J for dinner, let alone take pictures or even post those i’ve done. I haven’t checked email or tumblr for a couple days either. I’ll try again soon… maybe with a theme..
i have failed some of mine as well. but tomorrow is a new day, click and post.
this is right to me.
The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder.
i am sick today, my head feels like it might explode, my throat is gone, like it completely dissaperared, my eyes itch, i sound more like a man with every word i speak, i smell like lysol…but that is not stopping me from seeing Donna and the Buffalo tonight :) attacking one new years resolution at a time…#4: see more music!
The symptoms of Ménière’s disease occur suddenly and can arise daily or as infrequently as once a year. Vertigo, often the most debilitating symptom of Ménière’s disease, typically involves a whirling dizziness that forces the sufferer to lie down. Vertigo attacks can lead to severe nausea, vomiting, and sweating and often come with little or no warning.
Some individuals with Ménière’s disease have attacks that start with tinnitus (ear noises), a loss of hearing, or a full feeling or pressure in the affected ear. It is important to remember that all of these symptoms are unpredictable. Typically, the attack is characterized by a combination of vertigo, tinnitus, and hearing loss lasting several hours. People experience these discomforts at varying frequencies, durations, and intensities. Some may feel slight vertigo a few times a year. Others may be occasionally disturbed by intense, uncontrollable tinnitus while sleeping. Ménière’s disease sufferers may also notice a hearing loss and feel unsteady all day long for prolonged periods. Other occasional symptoms of Ménière’s disease include headaches, abdominal discomfort, and diarrhea. A person’s hearing tends to recover between attacks but over time becomes worse.
it sucks to know that someone is in pain, and they have given you so much joy and peace in your life and you can’t do the same for them. it also sucks reading the negative “reblogging” from people. i dont know much about this little tumblr space but i hope that its never a place where someone rewrites me and makes me feel uncomfortable about desisions i have made, words that i feel…its just my place to write my shit down.
THERE WILL BE NO CANCELLED SHOWS AND THIS CARDINALS TOUR WILL HAPPEN AS PLANNED SO PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM JUST SHARING THIS NOW SO THAT IN A FEW DAYS OR LESS IT WILL BE NO PROBLEM AND NOT INTERFERE WITH HAVING A PEACEFUL TOUR AND A NICE TIME PLAYING THE GIGS BOOKED.
FOR CARDINALS FANS and FAM,
I am very sorry if my blog post concerning my need to walk away for however long from cardinals( and from doing music related to the music i have made during my solo career and during my very long and substantially frustrating time at my former label ) was alarming or shocking or seemed off base. it was not my intention to be dramatic. I feel like i am entitled to my feelings and that i certainly do not deserve to be further ridiculed for my deteriorating inner ear issues and the physical pain that goes along with that.
perhaps my emotional overview of the things i resented and regretted was too much but this is also my choice if i choose to share here at THE CARDINALS BLOG as I am an original member of the band and I feel just as entitled to my opinion and my desire to be open about why i would choose to pull back now, after SUPPORTING THIS BAND AND ITS CONCEPTS when i might have continued during that time as a solo artist.
my reasoning is sound as is my dedication to what i feel is right for me and my thoughts and feelings are valid. i am a human being and have the basic desire to be well and not suffer any longer pain or anxiety that is unnecessary when my efforts might be better used and longer lasting in an environment where i would be happier therefor more helpful to others for longer.
In all seriousness I hope the guys decide to do something w/o me truly as they are far better musicians than I and if anything I think i was holding the band back.
I hardly feel like i am over-reaching or being dramatic by saying it is in my and every one’s best interest to do what is best for all concerned and I am just not cutting it anymore. I mean, I know I will really give this last tour here my all. I know I have that much strength and yes, I know people will get weird and say “whatever” but Cardinals have the BEST fans and I am being open to those very fans our band loves and respects as much as a band could ever. This is my loss truly but I know good and amazing things will come.
anyway this was never meant to be dramatic just matter of fact.
so i am sorry if this hurt confused or alarmed anyone in our camp our our fans by what i said about needing to go ahead and walk away after this next tour. i think it is the best decision for me.
and of course, i just want what is best fort everyone.
that music deserves a shot and i don’t mind people saying i was too prolific or over-indulgent in writing and recording. in my mind i was racing against the clock and the inevitable dissolution of my hearing and in that respect i won. i stayed true to the inspiration and the muse.
i just loved music so much man.
i always will and that is all. i’m done rambling now. I apologize to the band (again) that people re-printed this shit. It is amazing to me anybody give a shit what I say really. I don’t feel special at all. I just feel like I am not very strong right now and sad that I have to do this now but that is life and that is how I am going to get well.
to you badass cards fans, thank you whoever you were. i did all this work so i would not feel so lonely and i made it for you, whoever you are so you could see that if i could do this certainly, most certainly
you could do anything you ever wanted….
you certainly can-
Kindness, Love, and Truly Nothing But Respect Where It Is So Obviously Deserved,
STAY TRUE
R
.
[video]
me- 34-a non smoker and happy, for the first time in my life.. i am excited to finish this wonderful time i have had with the cardinals and whatever new adventures may come after march. atlanta will be my last venture with the band and i am grateful for the time we have had and maybe someday we will have more stories to tell together. i am however ready for quieter times as i think it is very evident i am struggling with some balance and hearing issues.
also, no drama or anything but i am okay to step back from all of this right now and i think i did enough manic blogging when i felt alone and isolated during the last few years of travel. these last few years were the hardest i can remember and the most rewarding but i have loved ones to care for now and i am lucky i have been given a chance to turn around and see just what i am capable of as a friend and as someone who is not gone forever every year- it rendered me incapable of things i needed to be to myself and others- and my schedule sometimes never ended when the shows did- and some of that was my doing. and i lost someone i loved, and i lost myself.
that changed. i got to know just who i am in this little spell of time here recently. and change is the nature of the world and i naturally embrace that.
i won’t be blogging here anymore either- but not for effect- it just is not being kind to myself- i need a life that is mine- i need to grow up and grow in to who i have subtly been working back towards since i stopped all that nonsense and i know also no matter what i choose to do in the music world, because i chose to do things my way and never lie i will always be viewed as an “asshole” ( i hear and have seen things in the past) and i am not, and i know the truth and i know who i am.
also it is kind of ridiculous to blog as i am a musician and anything i say here just gets reprinted at some point out of context. i say NOT FAIR but it doesn’t matter what i say anymore or what is fair anymore really does it- the 21st century media has it’s own rules about what is true and what is not. it is not a life- not one i want to live anyway and i don’t really care to participate in narcissistic over-indulgent behavior anymore- that was never my intention- i just wanted to fight for my right to make music and to be given the benefit of the doubt. now, because i have stood up for myself and fought for myself i am labeled all kinds of awful things. well, i will walk away now and it will not matter what anyone say’s. there are other things i can do in this life, other ways to be creative and to try and help others and be expressive without being demonized for attempting to gain the same things any other human being desires- love- friendship- understanding- and being able to express yourself without constant fear of being mistreated for speaking up
i have friends to make, brand new books coming (two of em’ not counting that one already printed and on it’s way out there and i LOVE writing….yay!) and a whole lot of living and learning to do.
i am excited to step away. i lost more than anyone will ever know (hearing, someone i loved, my sense of dignity, a never ending losing battle with stage fright and now my hearing and balance due to an inner ear issue- people accusing me of not being sober when i am suffering tremendous pain and nausea from my inner ear symptoms- people accusing me of theft (THEFT- ….awful) and this is not much of a life, not glamorous like those ridiculous video’s a long time ago television played and no it is not monetarily as rewarding as people would like you to believe and yes, it is soul destroying. especially when you spend your life trying to write about the really difficult stuff and you stand there losing your way and people yell at you like you were in a circus. when it was your dream to matter and you realize one day, it never mattered- i mean, i am a punch-line and a footnote in what is worse to yell at someone besides “free-bird”. i mean, i lost. and it’s okay because i seriously snuck some pretty neat idea’s in there in the work when i was making those mistakes or they were being made by others. this business is no science.
andf you know, whatever this is- it’s not my dream. and it is a punishing thing to endure when you are getting worse and worse- it’s not my dream, my dream was to try and tap into that energy i saw watching Minutemen vcr tapes when i was just a little shit in NC of mike watt’s crazy shaking leg and his electric fingers- or how sonic youth droned into beautiful clouds those guitars shaking, kim and steve rattling the pulsing lines into feverish thudding imaginary subway cars racing through my heart- and how it felt to just let go and static up a riff and find the sweet spot- but getting yelled at for just being a songwriter- to be called so many horrid things because i chose to love music so much, and also to look for peace and balance in my life- that is not kindness and just not my thing. at least not now.
and i loved somebody. and i let others decided if that was okay and that was wrong and i was wrong and no one should deny themselves or others love or understanding because people don’t get it. that was an awful mistake. i always make big mistakes. it’s like i let myself learn that because that was a role, a niche’ i filled that make sense to a loud voice of strangers who would never really play a real part in my life.
never become that if you choose this path- if you go this route with your art. never listen to those loud dissatisfied bystanders who only want to see you fail because that will be entertaining for that moment. hold fast to your dreams, hold faster to your heart and never step out of the light of that love that made you whole. i did. and i know better now. and better late than never i suppose.
but i am okay now. i see a peaceful way to better days now. i am healing. and most importantly i feel loved and i have learned to treat myself with that same curiosity and lover that i have been lucky enough to feel and to learn to let guide my life. love is the great teacher and i am happy to be learning now. happy to be listening to that over this never ending painful ringing. this is the great lesson of my life. for once i want to be dignified in my study and in one place long enough to hear and understand without my pride or my lack of faith in myself leading me further away from things i need to know once and for all.
this is the real work now. the rest is something else entirely.
quitting smoking was a good step and i am happy i also am just now beginning to understand how important it is i take better care of myself in every way right now. hell i am even beginning to sleep a little and i can feel the things good and bad that i did not have time to feel when i was running towards a new oblivion of work, hoping somehow someday what i did would be accepted and maybe that would make me feel loved. how foolish.
that is not love. love is being accepted for who you are. love is taking care of yourself and caring for others and dreaming out loud when it matters. not chasing rainbows. not hoping for some eventual collective sigh of approval which will never come. how did i ever think in those terms? i always knew better. thank goodness i know now how to be honest with myself.
anyway, enjoy these shows ( i will enjoy them immensely and i will miss them just as much) and know that i am not abandoning anyone, not the cardinals and not the fans, this is just something i need to do now, and that i loved playing music in the cardinals and hell, even before i was in a place to try and learn to be well, music was my life source- and cardinals was such a heavy crush and a real dream…i honor it too much to have any regrets right now, i am just proud.
maybe we will play again sometime and maybe i will work my way back into some kind of music situation but this is the time for me to step back now, to reel it in and i wish everyone peace and happiness and if music is your dream, or if just dreaming is your dream, may you find your way through the rough patch with ease and i hope you let go and it takes you all the way there-
loving kindness to all.
R
.
When you say goodbye so beautifully and with such thought about what you need and what is right for you, how could we be upset? I will miss your words on Tumblr, but I do understand how it isolates you from life sometimes and how it can be very self indulgent. I already had plans to buy tickets to the Atlanta Show, and now I must do it. So that I can be in awe and listen in person one more time. I hope that you will come back to making music when you are back on balance and feel it is right. We’ll listen. And thank you for sharing all that you have - musically and tumblr and literature. They are beautiful. xx Samme- 34-a non smoker and happy, for the first time in my life.. i am excited to finish this wonderful time i have had with the cardinals and whatever new adventures may come after march. atlanta will be my last venture with the band and i am grateful for the time we have had and maybe someday we will have more stories to tell together. i am however ready for quieter times as i think it is very evident i am struggling with some balance and hearing issues.
…loving kindness to all.
R
WHAT…shitballs. i guess resolution number 427: to read more will work out since there are more books coming out from him.
get out of my face………
too late ate the whole thing already.
i haven’t written in a long long time and i know that it was one of my new years resolutions but i just havn’t been feeling like it. its the best way for me to release my anxietys and stresses but i just lack the interest. i will push myself today.
i guess there is lack of chaos in my life. insanity always leads me to some great writing. love makes my heart beat. and for the first time in over 10 years i feel very peaceful. very accomplished. and also very boring. i feel routined. i love it right now but i will get bored of this soon. i dont want the drama, i dont want the stress, i dont want the anxiety back, but a little excitment, the good free kind is what i would love to have soon. i know to be very careful for what i wish for…for some reason if i am not detailed enough i get a crappy version of what i wanted.
good news, i HAVE moved forward in a couple resolutions. one being education…i am taking steps, baby steps but steps to getting back to school. i will start at the end of this month and will get my certificate in event planning and while i am doing that i will work my little butt on getting a real education. i guess at 27 i am finally ready to grow up. i dont know what i want to be when i get there but i am sure it will come to me through my path that i have choosen. i love event planning. i think i have planned my wedding 1457 times and whenever i meet someone that i find interesting enough i invision what theirs would be like as well. its strange but thats how my brain functions.
………………………………………………………………..
i’ll sit with you for hours in the most comfortable silence. the waves will do the talking and you will smell like the moonlight. my mind will think a thousand thoughts, and yours will have only one. i lay there and sketch orien in my soul. i feel free of responsibilitys when i am in your arms but that is not what i want.
i push you to the back of my heart and hope that you will let me breath.